I'm not cool

I am not what people consider to be "cool material". I have actually never been nor pretended to be cool. I believe this "being cool" stuff begins actually in high school and back then I never had a boyfriend, nor any guy was interested in me romantically. I was never the girl other girls or guys invited to their parties and I was always one of the last ones other kids picked to be in their teams, in gym class. My gym teacher somehow had a preference for pretty skinny girls and was extremely condescending with me.  While other kids were pretending to be adults, smoking, wearing make-up and making out I was buying barbies and making dollhouses (yes I was 15) because I knew there would be a time when I would actually be an adult, and then I wouldn't be able to pretend being a kid. 

While all the other teenagers were going out on Friday night and got wasted I watched the trilogy of Lord of the rings, until I learned the script by heart and was even able to spot a drop of saliva coming out of Gimli's mouth which I'm pretty sure nobody else saw.  

I was the ugly girl who had loads of fun reading a Kafka book or watching an animal documentary and felt really awkward going to parties. And to be honest I turned out to be just fine, although high school was definitely rough. I had a terrible time because I was rejected for doing only one thing wrong: being myself. And somehow I still didn't feel like showing off, acting like the funny girl or start wearing make-up, because I knew this was just not me and I found comfort in doing the dorky stuff. In high school you go through a lot of changes and somehow the sweet childhood vanishes to enter some kind of a weird and cruel adult world full of complexes, premature pregnancies, appearances and eating disorders. And as a not cool teenager you hope it ends with university but it actually never does, it just becomes softer.

The adult world is full of "cool" and "uncool" people as well, and there will always be somebody to make you feel inferior whether it's through social media, at your workplace or at your gym because let's face it:  the human being likes to compare himself to others to feel superior, it's only natural. 

But seriously, what does "being cool" even mean? I believe being "cool" is more like an attitude. Not a positive one in my opinion because even the word already implies that you are stating a difference between yourself and the others, and while the others are "hot" you are "cool". You don't worry, you don't cry, your life is perfect, and you insist on posting it on the social media and letting everybody know about it. But let's face it: nobody, not even Queen Victoria has it all figured out, because worrying about the future and questioning your existence is as well, natural.

And now that the social media has invaded our most intimate spaces instead of having peace of mind, filling our personal time with positive energy and thoughts, the contrary actually happens because these fake "cool" people will be there to ruin it for us. Oh you went to Hawaii? Well he went to French Polynesia. Oh you are fat? Well, look at her abs because she goes to the gym at 6 a.m.  Oh you have no plans for friday night? Look at him  with all his friends at that huge party. I'm actually happy that Facebook did not exist when I was a teenager since I'd have killed me to see check-ins at parties I wasn't invited to and having that feeling that I was missing out on something. But if your life is so perfect, why insisting on publishing instead of actually enjoying it? I'm not saying I don't post things on facebook, I actually do it a lot, but I feel also it's an automatic mechanism generated by this competition of showing who is cooler, and this is not healthy. I will never be cool. I stress quite often, I don't like hip-hop, moustaches annoy me and mainly : I don't have it all figured out. I'm actually in a long process of finding myself. I cry, I have problems, I feel lonely most of the time, I am not the most stylish, nor fit nor beautiful girl. I contradict myself often, I have complexes, I wish I could be more intellectual, smarter, I wish I were less lazy sometimes and I definitely wish I wasn't so emotional. But at the same time I do enjoy being honest about who I think I am. I might not have people who admire me, or who die to hang out with me, or copy me, I might not have thousands of friends, but I do have a few who tolerate me. And yes, I still read Kafka and watch Lord of the Rings.